Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login

This deviation was deleted

I love the overall message of this poem, and I love the structure you've given it. It's not the most original topic, but still, you've done it justice. =)

The first stanza is very strong, and I love the progression of imagery. The only thing is, the last line feels a little awkward rhythm-wise. It's something to do with the emphasis on 'finding new ways'. Instead of alternating stressed and non-stress syllables like the rest of the stanza, 'new ways' gives two stressed syllables next to each other which kind of throws it off.

Fighting sharks are totally awesome, but they don't seem to fit with the idea of transportation/starting an adventure. Maybe break those two ideas into two stanzas?

The same sort of goes for the next stanza, I love that you touch on material things and successes, but they don't quite seem to connect to the confessions of thinking about someone.

In the fourth stanza, 'existing' feels a bit forced, and the last line seems to be there mostly for the rhyme, but fountains spewing candy drops was a fantastic image.

In the fifth stanza, 'before' is the only thing that doesn't quite seem to fit, since it seems like unlocking the door should go along with adventure, and that you should be diving right into it without pause. That aside, the adventure/treasure slant rhyme felt really natural, which is tricky. =D

Same with the slant rhyme on goals and betold, it technically breaks the rhyme scheme but you wouldn't notice because the rhythm and meter stays consistent. I like that better than forcing a rhyme.

Love the first two lines of the eighth stanza! Definitely captures a little slice of life. November doesn't feel like it has any significance other than rhyme (though what do I know?), but that being said "We always dream; but don't remember" stands on its own as an idea really well. The following line need not continue that sentence at all, which maybe opens up some more rhyming options. The last line of that stanza also feels like it needs another syllable, but I love that you changed the length of the stanzas and I love that stanza's progression overall.

"There's more to life" twice feels a little redundant. I definitely see the sort of circular-ness (great vocab, right?) you're going for there, but since the parallelism is so close together you don't need to bring it back to the beginning. "Express yourself through vivid dreams" -- love this!

And this is totally just me, but reading it aloud, I feel like, "So do not be afraid, believe" fits the meter a bit better.

Definitely enjoyed it overall, and definitely love that you've sought to inspire. =D Writing is certainly a craft to be honed, and its way easier to point out the flaws than it is to fix them.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
11 out of 12 deviants thought this was fair.


No comments have been added yet.

Add a Comment: